The night before my Bufo medicine ceremony I couldn't sleep. I felt kind of anxious about receiving this medicine and yet I was excited. I knew this was the right time for me to take this next step. Everything I’ve been doing for years was a preparation for this moment.
The healing journey I decided to make many years ago was a hard one but the universe always delivered all the tools to me.
I was blessed by working with some incredible teachers and a few truly beautiful Shamans in Hawaii. When I was ready, the plant medicine found me and guided me further.
Then Mexico called me and with deep gratitude, I answered this call and left everything but my cats behind.
Shortly after my arrival, I discovered the toad medicine Bufo Alvarius. This medicine is also called the God molecule and people describe having extraordinary nirvana-like experiences. I knew I had to take this medicine and was planning for it for a while, but I never felt the right moment.
Then, one day by coincidence, I found this beautiful retreat place in the jungle and discovered that they offer all kinds of ceremonies. Looking at their webpage, tears were rolling down my cheeks and I knew I found the right place with the right people.
For me, and it should be for everyone, the energies are very important. Years ago I had a bit unpleasant experience with the Ayahuasca ceremony in Amsterdam. Back then I didn’t even know what I was getting myself into. A shaman in Costa Rica advised drinking Ayahuasca to my friend who has Parkinson’s disease. It did help him, but I was a bit traumatized by how this ceremony was held. I never wanted to drink her again and it was a great lesson for me on how seriously the medicine must be taken and how important the place, the setup, and the guidance are.
But, here I was, embraced by wonderful nature and loving people, who only want to see the world healed and full of joy.
These are my kind of people. Pure, open to the Divine guidance, serving the purpose.
Here I felt safe.
I felt that I wanted to cleanse my body before, so on the first day, I participated in a Temazcal ceremony.
The next morning the medicine Kambo came to me, so I was able to cleanse my liver and let go of some things.
After these incredibly powerful rituals, I was ready to receive Bufo.
In the morning I first meditated on the roof of the enchanting jungle house, surrounded by treetops and colorful birds. Listening to their beautiful songs and other magical jungle sounds I felt unbelievably blessed to be in this paradise. I took some fruits and went to the cenote to wash my body and ask Mother Earth for support. While I was entering the cave, I realized that it was like going into the womb of Mother Earth.
I asked her permission to enter and walked to the spot where I took my clothes off.
As I was approaching I saw five beautifully colored Motmot birds sitting on the stones in the cave. For the first time, I got to see them closely. Their feathers are turquoise blue and their tail is in such a shape that it resembles the pendulum of a clock. Therefore in Mayan culture, this bird is connected to the time.
Because it lives in the cenotes where it lays its eggs in the rocks, it is also a symbol of an outcast. I felt very lucky to be able to observe them for a while before they flew away.
Slowly I entered the cool crystal clear waters and a voice in my head told me: “I’ve created these waters for you to enjoy the liquified light. To experience the purity and to heal.”
The ancient Mayas knew that the blue water in cenotes had healing powers for our bodies and mind.
I swam through the cave while asking Earth to hold me during my Bufo ceremony and to keep me safe. One of the beautiful birds came back and sat on the branch close to me.
I connected to it the way I learned from a Hawaiian shaman years ago and asked if he had a message for me.
Honestly, I was quite nervous about my upcoming journey with Bufo and needed some reassurance.
The voice in my head told me: “Just relax and fly, fly high. It is so beautiful to see nature and the ocean, don't worry, be free.“
When I was returning to the point where I entered seven of these amazing birds were sitting inside the cave. I swam quietly and was able to observe them for a long time before they flew out.
What an experience! My heart was singing and as I was, naked, I stood in the water and my voice came out in a beautiful melody. For minutes I was singing the wordless song and felt deep gratitude for the gift I’ve received from Mother Nature. I asked the Earth to hold my body gently during my journey with Bufo.
I felt I was ready.
In my room, I anointed my body with fragrant oil and gold shimmer, put on my most beautiful dress, and a Larimar necklace to keep the connection to the Earth.
I was ready to meet God.
I entered the Temple where the shaman was waiting for me. He explained calmly how the medicine works, what can be expected, and how it will be taken in. He cleansed me with sacred Tobacco and then the ritual started.
Bufo is a medicine from a toad Bufo Alvarius. It contains 5-MeO-DMT and is also called God molecule for its ability to open you to the bliss of connection with the Divine. It is dried and the smoke is inhaled in two steps. The shaman burns it in a special glass bottle and prays for healing and protection. When he was giving me the first dose he was telling me: “Let’s go, OK, let’s cross.”
His voice sounded in the distance and immediately after my second deep inhalation I closed my eyes and let myself slowly fall back. My body was fully relaxed and I got visions of colorful fractals. Then the shaman started to play beautiful music that carried me higher. All fear, all resentment dissolved. In my mind, I heard: ”Surrender. Let go of all concepts. Nothing matters, everything is one.”
I saw the bricks in the dome ceiling of the temple flowing over into each other, into the wood supporting it. I felt nirvana. I fully surrendered to this experience and felt the deepest gratitude for my decision and courage to experience this medicine.
My body was experiencing intensive orgasms and moved while releasing ages of programmings, guilt, and shame.
A feeling of love for myself, and for my body fully overwhelmed me and I pulled up my knees and held my legs in embrace with so much love. I've never experienced such a feeling.
Slowly I was slipping into a calmer state while still floating in the bliss. I knew God came to me and made me see myself with his eyes.
It was exactly what I was looking for and why I came to this retreat.
To finally feel love for me and for my body.
To see myself the way the Divine looks at me.
To release everything that holds me back from the life of surrender to the purpose of my Soul.
It was such a magnificent feeling. For the first time I knew what Divine grace truly means.
I looked at the shaman and saw his face flowing as the music gently changed into another song. It was a mantra called Prayer to the Gods and I started to feel deep pain for the Earth.
For what we are doing to this paradise because of our ignorance, our egos, our consumerism, and greed. I was so overwhelmed with pain and guilt and cried deeply.
I turned onto my belly to feel the wood under me, to connect with the Earth, to hold her and beg her for forgiveness.
I begged her and God to guide me to a life without pollution, without the use of plastic. The music that supported me was like from heaven. I surrendered to this pain and allowed myself to feel it fully to release it.
The song ended, and I let out one last loud groan.
And then it was done.
I opened my eyes, wishing this state would stay a little longer with me. The Love and gratitude I felt are indescribable.
I stayed lying and relaxing for about twenty minutes more, listening to the heavenly sounds of the hang-drum the shaman started to play, reconnecting to my body and surroundings.
When the shaman came to me, he asked how I felt about my experience. I could only say that it was great. He smiled and said: ”Amazing healing.”
Yes. It was the most amazing healing experience I’ve ever had. I knew it changed me and my life forever.
When I was thanking the shaman for his wonderful guidance he smiled again and asked if I come to the Ayahuasca ceremony on Saturday. I said no and he asked why not. I explained him that I had a slightly bad experience in Amsterdam some years ago when I drank Ayahuasca for the first time. He comforted me: “Don’t worry. We take it step by step, I have an amazing team. You need to finish the work, sister.” As I was looking into his eyes and all I saw was Love I felt the fear flowing off of me and I agreed to come.
At that moment I knew it was the right moment and I needed to finish the work indeed.
But that would be just the beginning. I had no idea what a magical Life I signed up for by taking the leap of faith and coming to that one ceremony.
It would take an unimaginable turn after that. But as the shaman always says, Ayahuasca doesn’t give you what you are asking for, she gives you what you need.
And I needed to live.
~Nika
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